there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
