Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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