I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
