Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize