did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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