He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
