Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
