Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
