the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
