So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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