I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
