I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
