im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
