i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
