I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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