was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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