i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
