I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
