I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Randomize
