I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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