My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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