Too much gin, very little bucket
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
