I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
