I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
