Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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