My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize