You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
