If i come over, it means nothing
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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