i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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