i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize