better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
