I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
