Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
