dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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