Im at strip club and am horny
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
