either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Randomize
