Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
