Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Randomize
