Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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