we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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