i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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