There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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