mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
