I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
