K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
