i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Randomize
