Already got asked if we're dating
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
