Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
