I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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