I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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