why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
