I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Randomize