Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
