I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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