He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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