Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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