I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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