and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
you had me at cake vodka
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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