He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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