My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
