I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
